VT Works

When you strip away all the perfunctory hopes most parents have for their kids, one very human emotion tends to emerge; we all just hope we don’t screw up.

We want our kids to feel success, we want them to find their best selves, and we want them to flourish in the spirit of the offerings of the world. The best approach to this will vary, which is a wonderful function of how we are wired, but the identity of the finish line seems to be generally the same; we all want our kids to have better than we did and be better than we are. Most parents spend their post-conception lives headed towards that ever shifting goal post.

I spent this past weekend in San Diego amongst 35+ of my closest friends for the second weekend of Dr. Bob Sanet’s seminar swan song. I was lucky enough to attend last year, wrote of the power and love that is in that room, and this year feels much the same. Some people open themselves up to change in the moment, some sit quietly contemplating the changes they will make when they return to their respective practices, and still others hold space for all of it to take place. It has been, and continues to be, one of the more powerful and meaning full experiences and environments of my professional life.

A moment to behold for all of us in that room occurred on Sunday morning while Dr. Sanet was demonstrating his path for using Vectograms. His volunteer participant (whose name is respectfully omitted) was very honest with the group about her struggles in life, aspects of her own personality she finds difficult, and even the aspects of her approach to life which she hopes to not pass along to her children. In a very emotional and poignant moment, she shared her personal struggles with having a perpetual negative outlook, and worried that her daughter would end up the same way, although to this point, her daughter is quite positive about most things.

“My daughter always sees the rainbows…and all I see are the raindrops”.

Yup, that one hits.

It takes a special kind of courage to face your fears, especially when there are societal stigmas involved. Parents are supposed to be strong, we are supposed to always show our kids the way, and we teaching our kids how to be better than us should be the next step of a natural progression. In reality, very few parents know what the next steps will be, and most rely on the love we have for our kids to show us the way. Is it always the best way, probably not. There have been several days in my almost 22 years of parenting that ended with my thinking…

“Wow, I need to be better at this. I need to find a way to do better”

A while back a friend with a psychological background challenged me to reframe those thoughts. Rather than think of how bad of a parent we may be on our worst days, instead consider the love and commitment it takes to wake up the next morning and try again and again and again for our kids. Pat ourselves on the back for recognizing our shortcomings and remaining in a constant state of awareness in an effort to move towards improvement. Does that get to count for anything?

I’m reminded of the one great golf shot theory described in Rule #3 of the book, The Energy Bus. The one great golf shot theory revolves around the fact that after a round of golf, golfers focus on the one great shot that they had during the day instead of focusing on the many bad ones. That’s what keeps them coming back. Applied to parenting, focus on the one (or more) great “shots” that you took throughout the day, the great moment we had in showing our kids love, rather than all the ways we might screw them up.

On my way out of the hotel yesterday, I said goodbye to my new friend who shared her gifts with the participants. I thanked her for her courage, strength, and vulnerability. On the plane ride home, a thought washed over me which to this very moment, I cannot shake:

The only way to get rainbows is to start with raindrops…and just add a little sunlight.

Yeah, I felt that one, too.