VT Works

Just so we’re clear, I’m not as sensitive as I once was. I used to get offended very easily and cared a lot about what people thought, and would cringe at the idea that I screwed up. I’d feel the insults and want to crawl into a hole and die when someone chose to use any part of me for target practice. I hated hearing how much I sucked. I don’t imagine anyone particularly enjoys those moments, but they used to hit me rather hard.

But then things changed – I will tell you why later.

I’m not educated in anything related to psychology, so mine is purely speculation, but I’m guessing the need to defend ourselves in Vision Therapy is a function of self-protection; an attempt to prove we, too, are worthy.

Believe me, I do it, too.

When we see something harmful or threatening coming toward us, or we hear about someone else’s doubts, it’s only natural to protect ourselves. It seems to be a thread of commonality in the fabric of human nature. But why do we care? Why do we let the opinion of others carry so much weight? Why do we allow the doubt of others dictate our next move?

If you break it down, the need to defend ourselves against naysayers only gives them the power. It conveys the idea that we somehow agree with their call to action and are trying to convince ourselves that they are wrong and we are right.

Why should they have that kind of control? Why do we let other professionals dictate when we swim upstream?

Remember, every time we stop to defend ourselves, we willingly give the other person permission to control us and the situation. It’s a passive way of telling them they are stronger, they are right, and they hold a higher position on the totem pole of life. This can be frustrating. This can be challenging. This can be infuriating. None of those feelings make it true. We are smarter than that.

As I said in my first post a few months back, people will disagree with us, and so what if they do?

They still have every right.

What Changed

At varying times in my life, I’ve spoken to a psychologist, usually after stumbling upon some unattractive aspect of my psyche that I feel needs to be addressed. It’s not always easy, and even less fun, but I’ve grown to believe the more you can understand yourself and the more you can understand who you are and what drives you, the better adapted and adjusted you become.  Somewhere during my process, we discussed how to interact with people who consistently move the goalposts – people who are not capable of offering validation or acknowledgment due to their own insecurities. People who find ways to make themselves feel better through your failures. The brain wizards refer to it as schadenfreude. Whose problem does it become? Is it mine for not trying hard enough? Or is it the other person’s for not knowing how to give praise? Why is their need for control, or their need to suppress our efforts more important? People who expect us to try harder, and harder, and harder, and harder without ever acknowledging the effort, or without ever allowing us to reach the finish line are the issue. It’s not us.

Would you ever want to run a race that didn’t have a finish line? I wouldn’t.  As my trainer says, there are only two reasons we should run – for fun and for our lives, and “a fun run is not a real thing”

Does running toward an invisible finish line get us anywhere?

It seems silly to think so.

A New Day

The goal in Vision Therapy, as it seems to be in life, is to do our best. If you choose to share your best with those around you, then good for you. And if you chose not to share, that’s good, too. It is completely your choice. The reaction you receive, the choice to agree or disagree, should in no way be seen as a reflection of your efforts. You did your best, and that is already enough.

Know yourself well enough to understand what you’ve done, the effort you’ve put in, and the intention behind your actions. If you see parts of it you don’t like or wish to improve, then, by all means, make the adjustments. Let that be enough. Letting others control our finish line is purely destructive.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Following my initial post on this topic, life threw a few curveballs. My daughter encountered some serious health issues which very nearly took her life. My son began to struggle with emotional challenges that he still works daily and valiantly to overcome. Some of my dearest friends in Vision Therapy have left the profession – some by choice and some not – and I will miss seeing them.

This really has been a tough year.

Through all of that, though, I’ve gained perspective as to what is truly important. My kids. My family. My friends. My patients. Arguing is no where to found.

If you consider that people come to our office with their babies, their children, the center of their universe in most cases, to ask us to help and in search of hope, we are “in the arena” of hope and we are doing the work to help them make positive change. If we focus on that, and do our best with it, is there really anything left to defend?

Seems not.