VT Works

If you are like me, in the “sandwich generation”, you find yourself positioned between having older parents and adult children. Perhaps only now do you understand how your children sometimes struggle to get along with you by how you sometimes still struggle to get along with your parents. You may observe when becoming impatient with your own parents’ ways how your adult children may become impatient with yours. There may even be conflicting sets of values that lead you to question both your childhood perspective of your parents, as well as your adulthood perspective on your own child. Polarizing topics like religion, finances, and politics seem to only magnify the likelihood of controversy. Yet no matter how grownup or successful you may become, you will remain your parents’ children, the same way no matter their age or level of success, your children will always be your children.

Psychology suggests adolescence begins at puberty and concludes in the early to mid-twenties. It is a time when developing an authentic sense of identity, individuality, and self in ways that make developing and adhering to one’s own thoughts and agenda becomes the coin of the realm. The day before adolescence begins parents tend to be their children’s entire world, and by the end of it, carving out a slice of time for parents can be challenging. However, in ways they may not understand until they themselves are parents, children need the support of their parents far beyond adolescence. That’s the funny thing about parenting; it never ends. Once you become a parent you remain one for the rest of your life. The phases and demands may change like the four seasons, but the emotion and the sense of responsibility never ends.

In the 1989 movie Parenthood starring Steve Martin, Jason Robards, who plays Martin’s father in the film, lays it out pretty well. For those unfamiliar with the movie, the younger brother of Martin’s character finds himself in trouble with a bookie over gambling debts and has looked to his father for a financial lifeboat. Robards’ character finds himself in the conundrum of deciding whether or not to help, and has looked to his older son (Martin) for advice.

My daughter has recently encountered some complicated health challenges. Although her twenty years on this planet do technically qualify her as an adult, her need for her parent’s support and guidance may be greater now than it has been since the day she left diapers. No matter how old she is and no matter how much she wants to be independent, she is still my daughter, and my parental instincts haven’t ended – they are just managed differently. Yes, I have had to learn how to stop myself from wanting to fix things for her and instead offer guidance and support when it is sought, but my desire to jump in for my child is still there – strong as ever. Oddly enough, as my parents age, the same desire to jump in exists, just in the other direction.  It’s hard to understand the sensation of seeing your kids leave the nest while at the same, reassuring my own parents as to my comfort and success as they approach the sunset of their lives. At times, everything that once felt well within my control seems to be slipping through my fingers.

Such is life.

The strength and intensity of parental intuition never ceases to amaze me. Over the last several weeks, many of my adult VT patients have been attending their visits with their parents in tow, and one or two of our older patients have been even joined by their now-adult children. Perhaps this has been just a coincidence, or maybe because of the events in my personal life I am paying attention to it more, but seeing this has given me a very deep appreciation for the continued involvement of parents far beyond the typical “parenting” years. Once you become a parent, it truly is a lifelong journey. In that way, and at this moment, I am both on the receiving and giving end of the spectrum.

And If I’ve learned anything from this experience, it is simply this: the parenting finish line does not exist.